Blog-land (like social media, in general) is such a funny place. Carefully curated slices of someone's life: stories we decide to tell, views we decide to share. With pretty pictures, to boot!
I try to be authentic here on my blog. I don't shy away from hard things, but I still curate, y'know? There are plenty of thoughts I keep to myself, stories that I consciously decide not to share. I try to keep most of my pictures . . . pretty.
I guess this is my way of warning you . . . that shit's gonna get real here for a minute. Not so pretty today.
You see, I'm in a bit of a . . . stuck place . . . right now. Life has thrown me a curve ball. And after thinking about it for a few weeks, I've decided to put it out there. To share it with you. Not because I'm looking for sympathy (I'm not), but because . . . maybe it will be relevant for you in some way. Maybe it will strike a chord for you, personally. Or maybe it will help you understand someone else better. Or something.
As I mention from time to time, I have RA (rheumatoid arthritis), and have for over 30 years now. It's pretty severe, and has caused me many problems (including my bout with lymphoma) over the years. I don't talk about it much. I try hard to pretend it's not a part of my life, actually. It's been well-controlled through medications, and I tend to grin-and-bear it. I don't want it to be a defining trait of Who I Am. Most people have no idea I have RA, and those who do . . .usually forget. And I like it like that!
But I've been having some trouble with my RA this summer. And right now, I'm in the midst of a full-blown, major RA flare. Not just an oinky-joint or a bit-of-discomfort-for-a-few-days kind of flare . . . but a Big One. The likes of which I haven't experienced for 20 years or so. Why? I won't go into the complicated details of this for you (and, trust me, they are very complicated), but . . . basically, I had to go off my tried-and-true-but-possibly-liver-killing meds for a few weeks to prove that YES! it WAS the meds killing my liver and not something more insidious. But stopping those meds for a couple of weeks? It opened the door for the "RA inflammatory process" to step in and take hold (there's a reason I was taking those meds). And now . . . that "process" doesn't want to let go.
So I'm having some bad days. And some REALLY bad days. But there some good periods thrown in, too, where I can almost live my life normally. (RA is a Very Weird Disease.) I've re-started the liver-killing meds (yeah I know), and I'm starting some steroids that might help. I'm also looking to "re-start" another longer-term medication that I used to take but haven't during the pandemic (because it wipes out your immune system and . . . well . . . that's something I decided to hold onto during these covid times). Like I said, this is pretty complicated, and it gets overwhelming sometimes.
So these days, I'm in pain, a little depressed, very irritable, frustrated, exhausted, and Sick of This Shit.
But also Dealing With It.
I will get through this.
I'm not just sitting here, waiting for a solution to drop into my lap. I'm actively pursuing options and gathering a team to help me figure things out for the future. (Because obviously the liver-killing option is not good for the long term, and covid isn't going to magically disappear.)
So . . . I might just blog a little bit more (but not all the time) (don't worry) about this not-so-pretty slice of my life.
Because right now?
I decided to share.