In Quiet Celebration
03/30/2018
"I decided if you're lucky enough to be alive, you should use each birthday to celebrate what your life is about."
---Mary Steenbergen
Today is my birthday.
I'm 59.
And I'm damn happy about it!
Ten years ago, when I was turning 49, I was in a much different place. I had a kid in college and a kid in high school. I had a puppy. My husband was really busy with his job and traveling a lot. I was looking for a new job. I spent a lot of time and money hiding the grey in my hair. I was dreading my next birthday. And . . . I was beginning to seriously worry that there was something wrong with me.
By the time my 50th birthday rolled around, though, I was so happy to see it.
Although I never think having cancer was a "good" experience, I know that it brought a perspective about life and living that changed everything for me. As I celebrated my 50th birthday, I was just a few weeks out of chemo. My hair hadn't grown back yet. I was just beginning to feel strong enough to take a walk around my neighborhood every day. I was fragile, but ready to begin living again. Trust me -- I had no regrets or concerns about turning 50!
I'm pretty sure that this entire decade of my 50s has been different because of my cancer experience. Although I likely would have gotten to the same place (physically, emotionally, spiritually) eventually, I'm pretty sure my new perspective got me there faster! Before cancer, I can't imagine I'd have let my hair just be its natural white. I think it would have taken me longer to go out without worrying about putting on makeup. I know I would never have started a blog. I doubt I would have had the confidence to take art classes. I would have thought meditation was too "out there." And I'm certain I'd still be just dreaming and waiting-for-someday to travel.
Being diagnosed with cancer . . . and then coming through treatment . . . just brought a sense of clarity and immediacy to just LIVING. Really . . . this decade of my 50s has been so much richer because I suddenly understood (in a very real way) that I actually wasn't going to live forever! That I needed to take responsibility for embracing every day that I have. That if I wanted to do something, I better do it now.
I am so lucky . . .
to have been diagnosed early
to have a new treatment protocol available
to have had the support of Tom and my kids, my sister and my parents
to have LIVED.
So, my birthday is a big deal to me. It's a marker that I've reached another year. I'm still here.
Older.
And damn happy about it!