We Are Family
Shining Star

Carol, Kate, Colette, and the UltraSound Technician

NWHP-carttop

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new."  ~Rajneesh

 

Today I continue my month-long reflection of the legacy of women who've played a role in my life.

Mothers day 1992

I always wanted to be a "good mom."  I tried hard; I read parenting books; I asked for advice from my own mom; I had many a long conversation with my sister (who was a mom before I was) and trusted friends.  I spent all my energy on "mothering" and I was (well, still am!) devoted to my kids.

Still, there were many times when I struggled.  Sometimes, I worried about small things.  Is it a long-term problem to reward your toddler with M&Ms?  What message am I sending if I allow my child to continue designing and building elaborate weaponry with K'nex?  Is "Star Wars" too intense for a 6-year-old?  Other times, the stakes were much higher.  Will my kids be better off in another school district?  What to do about a particular pal who really IS a bad influence?  Am I too involved in problems they need to work out for themselves?

It's always something.  When you're a mom.

I couldn't have gotten this far without my mom and my sister and my own good friends!  They helped me think through, and talk through, and even drink through (!) the rough spots.

But, every once in a while, advice showed up unexpectedly.  Unsolicited.  But just what I needed to hear.  At just the right time.  From the mouths of other moms I didn't really know all that well.

Today, I want to pay tribute to women who've influenced my "mothering" in huge ways -- but not through the day-to-day support that my own mom and my sister and my friends provided.  No.  Today, I want to pay tribute to the well-timed, perhaps even off-the-cuff statement that just . . . rang true. . . for me at that particular moment in time.

Little snippets of advice. . . that came when I least expected it . . .  that stayed with me and shaped the kind of mother I became through the years.

There was Carol. . . who wisely counseled that "Being your child's advocate is NOT the same as running her life."  Carol's words - spoken to me in the earliest days of Erin's elementary school days - were instrumental in helping me support Erin (and, later, Brian) through their school years.  There is a difference between "advocating for" and "managing" your child.  Carol turned that little light on in my head.  And I am pleased to see that, far from being "managed", each of my children is now an advocate for themselves.  Thanks, Carol!


And Kate . . . who called my office on a day I was struggling mightily with a big parenting decision.  I ended up spilling the beans to this woman I barely knew (it was one of those days), and she quietly advised, "Listen to what's in your heart; trust yourself when it comes to your children.  You know what to do."  And, with that, my decision was clear.  Kate helped me realize that I knew all along what was right -- I was just struggling to DO it.  Thanks, Kate!


And Colette. . . a workshop leader who just made a chance comment.  In a presentation, she said,  "Can you imagine how powerful it is for your children to hear that you are delighted with them?  Delighted.  Just the way they are."  It was a moment that gave me a little tingle.  An epiphany!  And, lucky for my kids, I heard those words when Erin was only 4.  Both my kids have heard, through the years, that I am "delighted" with them; not just when they do something "delightful," but every day.  All the time.  Thanks, Colette!


And the unnamed Ultrasound Technician. . . who assured me, in the first trimester of my pregnancy with Erin (when there was a threatened problem that ended up being nothing) that . . . "Worry is what being a mother is all about.  It never stops.  Get used to it."  I have no idea who she was, but she was reassuring and helpful at the time.  I have thought about her often over the last 23 years.  She was right.  The worry never ends.  Thanks, Ultrasound Technician!

Chance suggestions. . . from amazing women . . . who just happened to bring me words of wisdom when I needed them most!

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Patty

What a great post Kym. Great food for thought today!

Chiko

Wonderful post!
Congratulations to you for being a great listener!

Sharon R

And sometimes it's knowing when not to say anything... My then two-year-old was having a tantrum and had thrown herself facedown on the sidewalk because I wouldn't carry her. I was already carrying diaper bag, briefcase and purse and just couldn't handle a toddler in a bulky snowsuit. A woman came along, gave me a knowing conspiratorial smile, calmly stepped over the screaming child and walked on. For that brief instant that our eyes met, there was a connection, a show of support, and, yes, validation. The kid eventually got up and took my hand and walked beside me. Ah, motherhood...

margene

Advise and inspiration are all around, it takes a keen ear to hear what comes our way. Many children's lives would be change for the better if they heard the word "delighted" more often. Good work, Kym!

Chloe

I've been on vacation and and thus missed out on all these wonderful posts about your family. Nice to come back and find them all ready for me to look at now that I've returned.

Erin

You have succeeded in being a fantastic mom, M&M rewards be damned. :D

Marilyn

Very insightful, Kym. I felt overwhelmed most of the time trying to keep up with the boys. But I loved them completely, meant no when I said no, listened to what they had to say and finally decided that a bribe of some baseball cards so we could get through the grocery store without anyone having a fit(me included!) wasn't such a bad thing after all. And I'm proud of how they turned out.

Carole

I think it's amazing that you can remember all this important advice. I remember being completely overwhelmed right after Hannah was born and saying to my mom, "this is too much, I can't do this, I just want to run away." And my mom looked at me and said, "honey, EVERY mother feels that way sometimes." It was such a revelation and it taught me that I didn't have to be perfect all the time.

Mary

wonderful advice...what a sweet tribute to those four women! I love the quotation you opened with, too.

Pam

This is such a great post. I remember the lactation specialist at the hospital where my kids were born. I was showing her the sweater I'd made for my first, a boy. She said, "you're going to be a good mom."

As far as I could see, she had no basis for those words, but what encouragement they were to a nervous new mother who WANTED to be a good mom.

kmkat

This is a delightful (and insightful and heartwarming and wise) post!

The comments to this entry are closed.