When I finished chemo (nearly 3 years ago now!) and started . . . living my life. . . there was a certain sense of . . . Newness. Freshness. Shiny-ness. . . all around me. It was like I had been polished; like whatever had been hidden beneath (from all those years of lliving. . . instead of LIVING) had been suddenly exposed. A little raw, surely, but also fresh. . . and. . . new. . . and shiny!
The colors seemed brighter; contrasts sharper. My senses were heightened. I was more aware. Of everything. And the world felt more . . . mine. I didn't want to wast a minute! I wanted to DO and GRAB and BE. I wanted to SHINE.
I really liked that feeling.
Having cancer sucked, no doubt about that. Chemo is just plain creepy and unpleasant. It is shattering to pull back the Veil of Illusion and know, deep in your bones, that your life really IS limited (maybe not now, but . . . eventually). I came out of that experience, though, with a new attitude. A sense of . . . Freedom. Appreciation. Newness. Clarity. Prioirty.
For a while, I really did live a shiny, new life. Little things didn't bother me. I was joy-filled and open to new things. I felt free-er and happier than I had in a very long time.
And, in most ways, that is still the case. But. I can also tell that some of life's "tarnish" is building up on me again. It's been long enough (and that's a gift in itself!) that I'm losing some of that . . . shine!
So I think the word SHINE started coming to mind . . . as a way to remind me of what life felt like in that first year after chemo. To encourage me to buff off the tarnish building up on my life. To let that fresh, exposed me SHINE through.
One little word.